You're completely useless in the revolution.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize