I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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