Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
