probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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