About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize