Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize