For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
