i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
