I think I won the penis lottery.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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