i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
