i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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