She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize