My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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