the condom got lost in my hair
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I stole a fireplace last night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
