What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
