Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize