"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
