I'm jealous of your bromance
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
