I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
