Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
