I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
