Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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