Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
