I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
