His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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