and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
