I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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