I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
