I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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