I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize