Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
