Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
