the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
