Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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