You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
