When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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