How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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