So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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