There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
