Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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