I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
