I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
