Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I believe in your delicious
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
