And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize