Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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