are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
