The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think people are normalizing furries
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
