Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
