totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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