Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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