i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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