i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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