Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
