SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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