proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
