wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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