You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
