i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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