He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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