Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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