Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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