I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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