The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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