She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize