This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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