I look better un-naked...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
